Is it just me? I seem to hate every single detail related to
Christmas, from the songs to the meals, the insincere cards, meeting people
whose existence you usually forget the rest of the year. The tacky decorations
and flashing lights on houses people feel obliged to make me ‘enjoy’. The whole
walking around town thing with so many people stepping over your feet and belting
you with their heavy bags and parcels do not help my mindset either.
The whole ‘experience’ starts way too early. These days, shortly after
they get done with Halloween and Bonfire Night, the Christmas crap starts
showing up in the shops, well over two months before the event. Before the end
of November people are out putting up their tacky house decorations. December and
consequently Christmas technically starts around November 10th in the UK
today, whatever happened to the twelve days of Christmas ?
So what really gets me going about the ‘festive’ period ? Well, in no
particular order (and certainly not limited to) this lot :-
Tacky House Decorations
Why do people have to decorate their houses to such an extreme? Christmas
decorations so bright they appear radioactive. You know the kind I mean. The aggressive sort of decorations, those where
huge representations of Santa and the like seem to colonise a public area? The
ones that are filled with air but always deflate into sad, creepy versions of
their former selves and the plastic ones that look like backdrops from cheap
horror films. Then there’s artificial spray snow, especially drifted into the
corners of windows, it just looks so tacky!
As for the incessant, flashing lights, well just because they have that
setting doesn’t mean you have to use it. You go for a walk near me and almost
every other window has a blue light display or flashing "icicles"
hanging from the gutter. None of the twinkling is coordinated with the house
nearby, it all just gives me a headache, some flash so fast that I feel dizzy
and almost epileptic.
The multi-coloured lights are the worse, they look cheap and tacky,
white lights can look frosty and magical but when used to decorate houses are well
over the top. A couple of years ago the
odd blue light display here and there looked unusual and engaging, but that
bandwagon has rolled on by and everyone has jumped on it. Don’t forget either,
the householder who has garishly festooned his house in Santas and flashing
lights, can’t actually see them himself, it’s the rest of us that have to
endure them, especially if you live opposite them !!!
Christmas Cards
Exchanging Christmas cards is becoming more and more a thing of the
past. Nothing says "I don't really give a toss about you" than a
Christmas card that comes out of a box of twenty identical Christmas cards. Far
worse is the Christmas email card which essentially says, "Hi, I can't be
bothered to write each of you a personal card, so here's an identical computer
generated card to all of you” Also on the list of annoyances, are those cutesy
family Christmas cards with the whole family posing on the front; So if anyone
e-mails me a snowball this year, I will track them down and do interesting
things to them with a fork.
Tinsel
F**king tinsel !!! Don’t get me started on bloody tinsel. Actually do,
because this is the worst thing about Christmas. It sticks on everything: your
clothes, the carpet, the kids, the hoover, everything! Just like glitter it
never goes away and one day in July you're lying in bed thinking, "What is
that strange thing under my pillow" and it's a damn strand of tinsel!
Aargh. It's not even pretty or worth the effort or hassle. Ban tinsel forever I
say.
Christmas Shopping
Don’t you just hate people who have finished their shopping in October
and are smug about it. There’s organised and there’s bleeding ridiculous. Shopping
anywhere that’s not online usually Involves mixing with the general public who
are all grumpy and pissed off in queues. Then there’s the enthusiastic shop
assistants who force me to say “no thanks, I’m just looking” whilst crap
Christmas songs play in the background. No joy to be found. Ever !!
The insanity generally seems to begin on the 1st of November,
when anyone with two brain cells to rub together will stay the hell away from
anything resembling a retail store. Somehow, though, the idiots come out in
force every year. And there's no let-up until at least the second week of
January, because even after Christmas, people are either returning their shitty
gifts or buying even more crap in the sales. And it's not as if the Christmas
shopping season begins in November: you start seeing Christmas commercials and
store decorations as early as September.
The only thing worse than the moron who waits until the 24th
of December to do all his or her Christmas shopping is the smug bitch who has
all her shopping done by July. That's not misogynistic either, it's always
women who shop this far in advance. (Name three guys who have their shopping
done before December.) Now, so as not to irk those (women) who conscientiously
buy their Christmas gifts a little at a time during the year: I am speaking
here of the ones who can't resist telling you, "Oh, I got all my shopping
done before July." In other words: It's fine by me if they do it; I just
don't want to hear it all the time !!
Finally there’s the utter mad food panic of Christmas Eve. You see it in
people’s eyes in the supermarkets. I mean please, they’re shut for 1 or 2 days.
You don’t need to panic buy bread and milk or anything else for that matter!
Christmas Songs
Tis the season for crappy Christmas songs. This usually begins around
mid-November, leaking out of every chain store, restaurant, pit of despair
imaginable, management types having forced the poor employees to play it in
order to get people to spend, spend, spend! Frankly, it makes me want to run as
far away from that shop as possible. Get into December and there’s no escape as
all the radio stations are playing this dross.
Worse track of all for me is Paul McCartney’s Wonderful Christmas Time.
I'm not sure that I can express in words how awful this song is. From the inane
lyrics to the incredibly annoying synthesizer lines, there is just nothing good
about this song. On it's release it was an obvious sign of the precipitous
decline of McCartney's talent, a precursor to "Say, Say, Say,"
(which, frankly sounds like f**king Radiohead compared to this,). And yet, it
manages to get into my head and stay there for days on end, pushing out any and
all other thoughts until I feel like some robot who's only objective is to kill
Paul McCartney.
Christmas Presents
Presents?: What kind of presents are these anyway? Presents you need?
Or presents you want? Presents your kids are whining about? Basically it’s more
crap. These days it’s a season designed for retailers who makes people feel the
need to buy, buy, buy. Long after Christmas is over, your finances will still be in a state of emptiness.
You are giving presents just to give presents because that’s what
people do at Christmas; give presents. Who needs presents? Who needs anything
really? Right. No one !!
Anyone with kids will be familiar with the statement “let me know what
to get the kids for Christmas” so basically I get to do everyone else’s Christmas
shopping before my own. Brilliant! It’s
not that we’re not grateful of course!
The whole giving-and-getting thing these days seems to boil down to you feeling bad if the gift you gave them is
cheaper than the gift they gave you; you also feel bad if it's the reverse.
"Wow, a DVD player! Uh ... thanks ... I got you a bag of crisps." You
calculate just how much to spend on each person, which means you're basically
putting a price on your love. How much is Mum worth? £50? £100? How about your
brother? Then there’s partners, one great reason to stay away from romance is
the agonizing over what to get your partner that first Christmas. And what to
get their parents, siblings etc. Of course he or she (usually she) will say,
"You don't have to get me anything. Just as long as we can spend Christmas
together." Beware! This, let me tell you, is utter bulls**t.
Gift Cards
Gift Cards truly are the lazy guys present. I know, I’ve bought them
myself before now. They basically say, you know what store I want to spend money at but you are too lazy and
uncreative to look around that store for 30 minutes and try to figure out something
I'd like? You're already in the damn store! How hard is it to pick out
something? Sure, you can't wrap a massage or 200 skinny lattes from Starbucks,
but at least buy me a damn mug to put the gift card in. There again, it's Christmas which
today is simply all about stuff!
Christmas Parties
Christmas parties, especially work-related ones are a pain. Especially
when you’re tee-total. No allowance whatsoever is made for people who don’t
drink. My Christmas party this year starts at 1pm in Wetherspoons in Manchester
and runs till the last person drops, no formal meal or anything just everyone
getting arse-holed.
Being tee-total (see a previous blog for my reasons) I can’t think of a
worse way to spend 12 hours with my colleagues. I’d rather just go home and be
alone than put myself in the direct line of temptation of something I’ve
successfully avoided for the last two years. After all you wouldn’t insist a
vegetarian attended a Christmas do at a steak restaurant or Nandos would you ?
Another work related Christmas annoyance is that of the secret santa.
It’s pointless. Christmas is such an expensive and busy time, I don’t have the
headspace for another gift and why spend a few extra pounds if you don’t need
to? I hope there is a special place in
hell for the creator of this tradition. Luckily, we’re not doing it this
Christmas.
Christmas Jumpers
When I was in Sainsbury’s at lunch I had a look for a plain black round
neck jumper for work. Did I find one ? No ! I did find plenty of festive
knitwear that looks like Christmas threw up on it. Why do Christmas jumpers even
exist? No one looks good in them? From
those nasty picture knit sweaters to people who go around with Santa hats on,
or just lots of red and green. Unless you’re a child I say stop. You just look
stupid.
So there we have it, a meander through my Christmas mind
There’s a quote from the film The Grinch that to me, always comes to mind:
“Maybe Christmas”, he thought “doesn’t come
from a store. Maybe Christmas,,,perhaps,,,means a little bit more”
Kinda
sums it up doesn’t it ?
Roll on January I say.
Ho Ho Ho!
Shoot me!
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