There once was a man, who was born to be
President of the World, this is a draft plot of his attempt to achieve his
mission. It takes the form of a trilogy of which this is part one. In order to
protect the guilty I’ve attempted to hide the identities of all participants, though
I don’t think I’ve done too good a job of it!
Prologue
Our hero, Mr Toby Bliar was born on the 6th
May, 1953 in Edinburgh. The son of a Scottish tax inspector and his wife, the butcher’s
daughter he lived in Paisley until his parents got fed up with him and sent him
to boarding school. Here he modelled himself on Mick Jagger and was a right royal pain in the arse to his teachers.
He moved to London, still thinking he was Jagger and formed a rock band called
the Sinister Rumours. His next move
was to University at Oxford of all places where he gained a second class
honours degree in Jurisprudence, whatever that is? It was while at Oxford, Toby
first started having dreams of world domination. After Oxford he got a Junior
Barrister’s job back in London where he met Cherry, daughter of a randy scouse
git and ultimately Toby’s first wife.
We’re now in the early eighties and Toby was
observing one of what would become one of his heroes in dominant action, the
Iron Lady was our Prime Minister and Toby idolised her. He saw her grow, fight
wars, win election after election and become one of the top three figures on
the World stage. She had everything Toby wanted, but he thought he could go one
better and be the entire world’s leader. But where to start?
Which Party?
Toby first had to get into politics, but which
party? He was an out and out Tory who loved everything the current government
were doing, he vowed when he became Prime Minister himself not to undo all the
good things he’d seen Mrs Thatcher do, but take them further. His one problem
with the Conservatives was that he couldn’t see a route to the top; he knew his
hero would be there for many many years to come. How ‘bout the Liberals or the
SDP, nah, alright for local elections but nobody ever votes for them at a
General Election so that ruled them out. That only left the Labour Party, an unelectable
party lead by a Marxist nutter in a donkey jacket. Toby joined, setting himself
a ten year target that he’d be the next Labour Prime Minister by the time he
was 40.
First Seat
First thing Toby had to do was find himself a
safe seat from where he could start him plan, he thought he’d found it in 1982
when he fought the Beaconsfield by-election. He had his first set back, not
only getting beat by a Tory but also losing 10% of the vote. Not good, problem
was he disagreed with virtually every Labour policy but had to lie and support
them, he thus came across as insincere, and a trait he never truly shook off.
In 1983, Blair found the newly created
constituency of Sedgefield, a notionally safe Labour seat and after much
haggling and back stabbing he was declared Labour candidate just in-time for
the 1983 General Election. As part of his masterplan, Toby fought the election
towing the party line. His election literature endorsed Labour’s left-wing
policies. He called for Britain to leave the EEC, though he had told his
selection conference that he personally favoured continuing membership. He also
supported unilateral nuclear disarmament and was a member of the popular CND.
If it was popular Bliar would do it, he was learning the values of PR all the
time. Toby was helped on the campaign trail by popular soap opera actress Elsie
Tanner, his father-in-law's girlfriend. So
it came to be, in 1983, Toby Bliar was elected as MP for Sedgefield despite the
Labour party's landslide defeat in the general election.
Once elected, Bliar's political ascent was
rapid. He received his first front-bench appointment in 1984 as assistant
Treasury spokesman; he was on his way to achieving his goals.
The Route to
the Top
Bliar knew that ‘being popular’ was what was
needed for success, he knew the power of saying something without telling the
whole truth, he knew he had to get to the top by being liked, but he realised
he also needed to have his people around him. Toby knew that the likes of old
donkey jacket and the welsh one weren’t what the people wanted, he had to bide
his time, making alliances that would help him not hinder him, people like
Gordy Broon and the dark knight Mandy Peterson. Slowly but surely his plan
started to come together.
Still backing Labour polices he was elected to
the shadow cabinet in 1987. From here he could start to truly influence the
party. The leader at the time, a Welsh man with an annoying wife who kept trying
to drown him in the Irish Sea had started to ‘reform’ the party by getting rid
of the loony left, unwittingly helping Toby’s plans in the process. But taffy
was never seen by the public as ‘Prime Minister’ material, plus Toby’s hero was
still in the seat and didn’t look likely to shift anytime soon (something which
changed rather rapidly), so after losing the 1992 election to another Tory
landslide he resigned and buggered off with his missus on the gravy train to
Brussels.
Toby knew the time wasn’t right for him to
step up to Leader just yet, he had a few ‘deals’ in the background still to do.
A ‘safe’ leader was elected, an interim leader really, just how interim they
didn’t realise at the time. John Smithy was a likeable guy, who was known as a
Swan Vesta – he was never going to set the world on fire. He made Toby the
Shadow Home Secretary in his shadow cabinet, a position from which Bliar could
maximise his PR campaign which would ensure he was the Labour leader by the
time of the next election, he just needed the right opportunity to make his move.
That opportunity came sooner than expected, Smithy dropping dead from a heart
attack in 1994.
Toby knew the position was his, but he had to
sort out a few ‘internal’ issues first to ensure his success, Gordy needed
paying off to make sure he didn’t stand, unlike Toby, Gordy was a Labour man at
heart, he was fairly well like and good with money. Toby promised him that
after being elected leader he would quickly become Prime Minister and appoint
Gordy as Chancellor of The Exchequer, after a period of five years he’d pursue
his world domination plan and hand the reigns over to Gordy. Luckily he agreed.
Toby’s only challengers for the leadership
were a caravan enthusiast called Margaret who was no real threat; the public
had had enough of Margaret’s in high office by this point and Big John from
Hull. Big John was a threat, he was a bully who the unions loved and represented
the left of the party. Toby talked him round to lessoning his campaign with the
promise of being Deputy Leader, a role where the lazy Big John would have
status without much to do and the promise that if Toby became PM in a few
years, Big John would be Deputy PM and he’d give him two Jag’s, an attractive
secretary and not much to do as a reward. John fell for it hook, line and
sinker.
Leader of
The Labour Party
And so it became, in 1994, Toby Bliar was now
the first Conservative Leader of The Labour Party. His next target, though a
few years behind schedule, was in his sight – Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.
Toby knew his destiny, he knew what he had to
do, nobody could stand in his way anymore and he started putting into place the
people and things he needed to ensure election victory. He announced at the 1994 Party conference that
he intended to replace Clause IV of the party's constitution with a new
statement of aims and values. This involved the deletion of the party's stated
commitment to "the common ownership of the means of production and
exchange", which was widely interpreted as referring to wholesale
nationalisation. Remember his earlier promise not to undo what the Iron Lady
had done? This allowed him to carry on with Conservative Policy under a Labour
Government.
His PR campaign ramped up to overdrive, sound
bites were spun out constantly, phrases that would stick in the public’s mind, at
the 1996 conference, Toby stated that his three top priorities on coming to
office were "education, education, and education". We wouldn’t forget
that for a long time. Branding was big for Toby; he needed to make sure the
public didn’t think they were the loony lefty Labour of previous years so he
adopted the simple but effective slogan “New Labour”, all of this would see
Toby sweep to power.
Prime
Minister
Aided by the unpopularity of John Major's
Conservative government (itself deeply divided over the European Union),
"New Labour" won a landslide victory in the 1997 general election,
ending 18 years of Conservative Party government, with the heaviest
Conservative defeat since 1832.
A major contribution to the success was “not
being the Tories”, people knew they’d grown slack and sleazy through 18 years
in office. The public wanted to see the back of Major because they were fed up
with the same old screw-ups by the same old Tory faces. A fresh faced Toby
Bliar and his “New Labour” were just what the doctor ordered.
Toby Bliar became Prime Minister of the United
Kingdom on 2 May 1997, serving concurrently as First Lord of the Treasury,
Minister for the Civil Service and Leader of the Labour Party. The 43-year old
Bliar became the youngest person to become Prime Minister since 1812.
For our hero the stage was now set.
COMING
NEXT. Bliar – The Movie: Part 2, The Downing Street Years
Coming up next week will be part two of the trilogy
featuring Toby and his unerring ambition for world domination. They were ten years that shook the world – literally!!
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