Get Out The Way - Ban Motorway Lane Hoggers

Over the last ten years through my job, I've driven many hundreds of thousands of motorway miles, I've never been caught speeding nor have I had any accidents there. However, a certain type of motorway driver, in all this time, has never ceased to amaze me.

It may just be me, but I reckon people who hog the middle lane of a motorway are right up there with the worse drivers around. People who cruise up the outside lane and try to push into queues are a pain and they really know they're being a bit cheeky, middle lane hoggers however, actually think they're brilliant drivers. These are the people who, given an empty three-lane motorway, choose to drive in the middle lane.

What these smug, self-satisfied knobs don't realise is they're actually committing an offence. From my memory of The Highway Code, the outside two lanes are overtaking lanes, so if you're overtaking nothing then you shouldn't be there.

They think that as long as they're doing the statutory speed limit they have a divine right to whichever lane they choose because "nobody should be going faster than me, anyway". At which point they switch off from looking in the rear view mirror and turn up their Michael Buble CD and cruise.

After taking a precautionary look behind me for Mr Plod in his BMW, I like to nudge past them on the inside. This often has the habit of waking them up. Alternatively, I sit directly behind them and after a couple of miles they'll suddenly realise there are other vehicles on the motorway apart from them and grudgingly indicate to move over. I'm glad I'm not a truck driver, middle lane hoggers must drive them spare. The habit isn't gender specific, age specific, or car type specific either; though most of them are VW driving coffin dodgers.

The Saddest Ones

The saddest middle lane hoggers of them all are the ones that speed up the minute you go to overtake them in the outside lane. I previously assumed that this was some sort of pathetic 'alpha' male trait, but I've since noticed women doing it too. They're trundling along at 70mph and as you approach them you realise that they're not going to pull over into the empty inside lane, so you speed up to 75mph and make a move for the outside lane. They spot you and put their foot down to match your 75mph too. You realise that 75mph isn't going to be enough and you're committed to the outside lane now, so you speed up to 80mph. They do too. So you think, sod it, I'm not going to back down now and speed up to 85mph. All of a sudden this piece of human excrement with a driving licence has accelerated from 70mph to 80mph+ in a bid to keep in front of a car that is going to overtake him anyway. Madness !

I've witnessed the same characteristic in pond life. They rush to compete for food thrown into a pond whether they need it or not - they can't help themselves, The brain equivalency of these hoggers is similar.

The Outside Lane Hogger

More dangerous, but usually more observant than the middle lane hogger is the outside lane hogger. To hog in the outside line requires a car that will cruise at 85mph+ along with the unstinting belief that whatever speed they choose to do above the old speed limit - is the new speed limit ! Thus, this gives them the authority to sit in the outside lane and cruise there impervious to any other outside lane hoggers who believe the new speed limit should be at lease ten miles an hour quicker, so get the hell out of my way! These are essentially people who think they're special and that speed limits don't apply to them. 

You never see outside lane hoggers doing under 70mph. That's because under 70mph they know they shouldn't be there. At 71mph they know that neither of you is in the right and possession of the lane is nine tenths of the law and actually, drivers are not supposed to communicate with flashed headlights and that isn't the correct hand gesture for "I am going straight on".

An extension of the outside lane hogger is the one who, on joining a motorway, has to get to the outside lane as fast as is feasibly possible as that is where they think they belong. They do this however busy the motorway is. I come out of Manchester down the M62 to Warrington in the rush hour, it's slow and basically chokka. You can spot the 'owners' of the outside lane joining from the M60 at Eccles, they usually drive BMW's or white vans and aggressively force their way across all the lanes then sit, victorious in the outside lane. Regular users know and understand how the M62 works along this stretch, almost without fail, in the rush hour, the fastest lane is actually the inside lane (which is where I sit), we're happy then for the 'owners' to go and sit doing 10mph in the outside while we regulars just plod along at about thirty five overtaking them all from the inside lane. So, just occasionally, justice is served. 

Anyway - rant over !